We moved recently. Change seems to stir up a lot of emotions in a lot of people. Me being one of them.
I moved 33 times by the time I was 16 and I’m sure there’s PTSD attached to me because of this. This is not an excuse but a fact.
I don’t like to swear. We have a rule in place in our home not to name call or swear or yell at each other. Again attached to some not so fond memories for me as a child. I don’t think it’s a secret that our words can either tear down or build up.
Two days ago we moved a picture from our old house with one of my favourite scriptures on it “Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.” This scripture has served as a reminder to me, I am not the person I used to be.
My words when I was younger cut people. Purposely. Skillfully. I was unashamedly good at being bad. I didn’t care who I hurt with my words. I used words as weapons. A defense. My words could push people away or pull them close.
I used to make excuses as to why my words were someone else fault, I had a “they made me do it attitude.”
“They were mean to me, they misunderstood me, they didn’t listen to me”… and because of what “they did” I reacted the way I did. “I exploded in order for them to hear me, see me, respond to me.”
This past week when I exploded on both my husband and kids. I said things I was not proud of. Hurtful things. Hateful things. Damaging things. Scaring things.
My niece who was there and who I am supposed to be an example to said “I’ve never heard you swear before Aunt Danielle.” In that moment I was not only ashamed of my words but my heart hurt. I am to be a witness of God‘s grace and kindness to those around me. First to my husband and kids then to others. If I’m being honest I was not turning to God for help in those moments to stop me from spewing those words, I was turning to hell to set ablaze my tongue st that I could burn those around me.
The Bible tells us that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. My words are my words. I am responsible for them.
I know there’s still so much work the Lord is doing in me, in my heart. I know when I fail or fall short, He will not abandon me.
The Word of God is a double edged sword cutting to the hearts of men/women. And where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is our greatest teacher and a mighty counsellor.
The day after my awful explosion the Spirit led me to a scripture that I will not soon forget.
“And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.” James 3:6 ESV
OUR TONGUES ARE SET ON FIRE BY HELL.
I have worked out a lot of things in my heart over the years and this is something that I thought I had conquered. The last few months have been a struggle for me. Life has been chaotic. Living out of boxes, delays. Disappointments. Discontentment. Not excuses just facts.
It’s amazing how quickly the enemy sees an open door and swoops in. I don’t like who I used to be. I actually hate who I used to be. I lived for me. I served my messed up heart that was always fueled my hellish words.
Now I serve a God who tells me to love others and pray for those who persecute me. To see others more significant than my-self. That’s who I want to be. I don’t want to be calling people names when I’m hurting, especially my husband and kids. I want to see them as Gods sees them. Image barers, made for his pleasure and glory. Loved. Cherished.
So to my husband and kids who see and experience the best and worst of me (and to my niece Addison) Please forgive me for allowing hell to set fire to my tongue. For using my words to tear you down. By Gods grace you will forgive me. I pray I can continue to pour out words that will bear witness to the work he’s doing in me. Words filled with patience and kindness. Love and gentleness. That you will see heaven set ablaze my tongue… for good! ❤️